Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

love it when they get my name right

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds