Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious![]()
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dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Succinctly put.
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Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.