Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I’m not stressed

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.