Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

oh she’s cooked

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Damn he played himself

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Never forget.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.