Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m confused about plants
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
🤣could you imagine
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*