Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I like long walks away from everyone
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
This kid will have a bright future.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”