Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

😭😭😭

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Priorities

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.