[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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Happy Halloween 🎃
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..