I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
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How is it still this week?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Ummm
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’