Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
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“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
How it started: How it’s going:
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore