Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?