emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Based Erika
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.