Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒