Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?