Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually