Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.