Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash