Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD