Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

This could be us but you eatin’

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.