Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

We’ve all been there…

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*