Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.