embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”