Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

then why did i get this email

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.