embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?