Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol