Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit