Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine