Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I just love that new Pope smell.
just make the entire table out of coaster
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
LOOOOOOL
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.