embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese