embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?