embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure