e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no