e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”