emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly