Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this