{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

You Might Also Like


Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?


Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.


ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb


*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*


interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.


Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.