@Darlainky

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

You Might Also Like

@kevinrowe1

Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

@Inferno_V

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

@loserIex

ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb

@pudding_club

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

@tweetsaboutdog

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@ilovepie84

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

@lildandeli0n

Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.