Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb
1. Don’t die.
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.