Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO