*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Pringles
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!