Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

set yourself free xox

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs