“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
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I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.