Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

Sex so good you see dead people.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Proctology is located in A55

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

I forgot how to panic. Help

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not