emergency phone
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My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
#titanic
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.