Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

😂😂

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

twitter users today:

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot