Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

My wedding will be open casket.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.