Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.