Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?