[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
found my next D&D character name
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
oh shit
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?