Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes