[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
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There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
i actually laughed 😩
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep