Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart