EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If my kids invented a drink.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
This raises questions
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.