Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.