Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears