Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

◾️

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information