[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
plums roundup
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.