Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.