Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.