[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov