@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

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@heymonroe

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

@delusions_of

While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

@UncleDuke1969

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

@GrandadJFreeman

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

@markydoodoo

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

@j88ess

Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person

@msdanifernandez

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.