Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

be careful

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself