*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
He instantly became one of the bros
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.