Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”