Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

incredible google review i just found

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

FINE, I WON’T.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]