[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

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Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.


WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.


Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah


I don’t get movies where people switch bodies and they’re like “Ahh I gotta get my old body back” if I could ditch this decrepit nightmare I’d be like lol bye


8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”


trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh