if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over
Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah
I don’t get movies where people switch bodies and they’re like “Ahh I gotta get my old body back” if I could ditch this decrepit nightmare I’d be like lol bye
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.