[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
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My dad.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here