Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

When they try to steal your moment.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

ㅤ