In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.