Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: I’m just going to live here
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You’re both now.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*
32 year old me: *tweets*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs