*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No


Me: I’m just going to live here


Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

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Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.


Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:


me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise


wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying


*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!


Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.


When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You’re both now.


Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.


20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*

32 year old me: *tweets*


Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.