Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No